
#meettheartist – #artistontour – #shesback – #itstimetotalk
So thats month 1 down and i said i’d try to do this monthly from now on…
Here we go…
Firstly… Apparently today is #timetotalk day 2018… A day to raise awareness for people to talk about mental health issues and to reduce the stigma surrounding said issues…
I’ve spoken about mine before but there’s some updates and it never hurts to put it out there again, at least not so much as not talking about these things.
Here’s a little of my story…
My name is Tony… Artist, photographer, paracord craftsman (I make whips and stuffs), probably the biggest burlesque nerd on the planet, gamer, comic book and movie buff, Terry Pratchett fanatic, Martial Arts obsessive and general geek.. I’m generally well liked and respected (i think), I’m doing pretty well, my day jobs not bad, i’m clearing my debts, I have the bestest friends I love dearly, I have the most awesome random adventures with the most awesome of awesome people who I love dearly, I’m finally back training in an art I am obsessed with and well what i’m trying to say is things are ticking along nicely… but….
My name is Tony and i suffer from a number of mental health issues including depression and anxiety.
I’ve suffered from depression most of my life, and when I sink into my depression my anxiety comes up to meet me. I lose energy and motivation to do anything, I lose my appetite and i get torn between wanting to hide away not talking to anyone but feeling so anxious that i need to talk to people to ease the feeling that they don’t wish to speak to me….it becomes a confusing mess, my anxiety wants me to go out and see people to distract me but my depression leaves me with no energy or motivation to do just that….
I’m an introvert, being an introvert means I deal with issues, with stress and process things differently to my extrovert friends and colleagues. I’m quiet, introspective and occasionally need time to recharge (or destress) often by myself or in company with understanding and complimentary people… (ie someone who understands and can deal with this need)… this is where some of the problems come in, certain people in my life cannot understand the quietness, the need to centre myself and to recharge… I can’t make small talk, in fact i quite dislike it and any expectation of me to be involved in it. being in crowds, around people, especially extroverts, loud people, in your face, over bearing or intense people even if i really like them drains me like an old i phone battery.. When i’m in draining situations i need a focus, i need something to occupy my mind, to take my attention to conserve my energy and reduce the stress on my mind. This is preferably someone I love or are very close to, normally an introvert like me and someone i connect to very strongly, I feel far more comfortable having such a focus. When i don’t have that focus my stress and anxiety jumps, i can often feel very much alone (even in crowds or busy places) and loneliness and abandonment are 2 of the biggest triggers of my stress and anxiety…
It took me so long to figure out those causes, there are more, some i know, some i haven’t quite figured out yet but I’m trying to come to terms with them. Saying that it took me a long long time to even come to terms with the fact that i suffer from stress and anxiety, as a child i was accused of being the miserable one… a result of both my introvertness and sometimes of my depression itself which of course led to further dips and issues.
I think a huge part of it taking me so long to figure things out and to start to deal with these things is that I never spoke about them, I was never encouraged to be open about my mental health, the stigmas surrounding such issues can be so strong things get buried, physical issues (for the most part) don’t have this stigma, if someone tells you they suffer from heart problems and need to take medication nobody tells them to stop taking it and go for a walk, no one shares memes of heart tablets or medication next to forests and beaches saying one is shit and the other is a real cure, nobody tells you to man up and get over it, to grow a pair over asthma, epilepsy, diabetes or other physical or visible issues… people really need to talk about this stuff, they need to get rid of the stigma surrounding mental health issues and stop belittling people for their ways of dealing with their issues, whether this is with counselling and such therapies, exercies and physical coping mechanisms, mindfulness or yes even medication, people on anti depressants aren’t weak, there isn’t something wrong with them (other than the issues they are coping and attempting to deal with) they are simply making a decision for themselves on how they need to cope with and hopefully solve these issues, each decision is deeply personal to the person involved.
I avoided medication and other outside help for years and years, not because of having anything against medication or any judgements on people who take that route i have just always had a fear that I may come to rely on any such medication and the thought of talking therapies causes me anxiety. But i finally felt the need to seek help and I am now on sertraline, waiting on CBT and I have recently applied and been accepted for a 6 week Mindfulness course at my day job who are finally taking an interest in and at least trying to help with their employees mental health issues, this has been sorely lacking in and needed for years, a certain supervisor even sent me to my desk with orders to just get on with it mid panic attack. The medication has really helped, it had some crappy side effects for a while including dizzy spells,possibly a bit of sickness, jaw clenching and (apologies if TMI, I don’t like small talk but if people really want to talk about other things i can go a bit overboard!!) decreased sensitivity leading to difficulty in orgasming (that last one is really annoying although a certain someone found it amusing… :-D) but even though i’ve still had a few dips i’ve found they don’t drop as far and the anxiety isn’t nearly as acute… worth a few side effects i think, although i dont wish them to be a permanent part of my life. I’m looking forward to the Mindfulness course and interested to see how i take to CBT.
Anyways thats part of me. I almost made the decision not to publicly talk about these things any more, i’ve lost ‘friends’ and received negativity before but theres the big issue… the stigma around mental health issues is ridiculous.. I’ve also been told my talking about these issues has helped people, it has given them strength and hope in facing their own. This makes it worth it. So thats part of my story….
Now I know thats taken a lot but secondly i figured i’d sum up my month… I’ll try to be a bit more brief…
So January is a little quiet on the burlesque front. I’ve mostly had a month of rest and relaxing, I had an awesome weekend with a loved one having a belated christmas, had a day with the kittens, cat napped 🙂 and had a day of netflix before heading to Leeds and having the most awesome weekend of relaxing and eating all the meats at Fazenda. I couldn’t have asked for a better Christmas, it was exactly what i (and we) needed..
I’ve not picked up a pencil in at least 4 months now… and I’ve enjoyed the breather. I’ve given myself time to do other things, I’ve seen some of my favourite people and got all the cuddles, I’ve napped a lot, reread a lot of Discworld books, I’ve gamed even more and realised how much I’ve missed just nerding out sometimes (with Destiny 2 and Horizon Zero Dawn mostly) and I’ve returned to training in a Martial Art I am absolutely obsessed with. I finally got my tax return in and that led to a little thinking…
I think I’ve decided to cease trading as Tony Heath Art… After stressing over my tax return and worrying over it wrongly calculating I owe them more money than I actually made I’ve decided what is the point? I rarely make any money, overall I make a loss every year and I stress over pushing it in a business direction… so I believe it’s time to step back and say no.
I don’t see this as a negative or as bowing out I see it as something freeing, letting myself loose to have fun with my art again, my most fun drawings lately have been the ones I’ve done for the hell of it, to see performers smile (and sometimes cry… with joy I hope!) rather than meeting business obligations…
I do have stocks of prints and things like that I may bunch up and sell off as packs but after that nearly all my artwork will return to being complete one offs with no commercial aim (So if you’d like some of my postcards and stuff get in quick) I want to draw for fun and to see people smile again. I’ll likely still do certain projects for donations, although these may be slightly different in form… but everything will be considered in a “is it fun and interesting” light rather than a “will it make me money or push my business” light…
I’m a terrible businessman… I’m a pretty awesome artist (maybe… depends who you ask)
This doesn’t mean I will be this way forever or that if something interesting comes along I won’t consider it, but it does mean I won’t be forking out for stall fees, stock or equipment in the hope someone will buy a few postcards or actually go through with a commission…
I may still occasionally make a bullwhip or similar craft project, I find these fun and interesting to learn how to make, and I’ll likely still photograph shows occasionally but my interest will be more for who and what I’d like to photograph…
(this all doesn’t mean I’ll work for free!!! I’ll still put up with the awful tax returns if a job comes along worth doing!!)
And finally… I got along to my first show of the year… Me and the beautiful Allouetta La Zouch headed across to Hebden Bridge for Lady Wildflower’s Frou Frou Club. This is always one of my favourite shows, she really knows how to put on awesome events (she is one half of the #hbbf production team after all) and this one was something special, Amber Topaz, who may be one of the most hilarious people ever to come out of Yorkshire hosted, I was in absolute stitches, and she brought such a great line up to the stage, it was great to see Arabella Twist who is certainly showing a flair for story burlesque, Celeste Steel mixing aerial hoop and pole with burlesque, Lady Wildflower’s Kinky act (definitely a fave of mine), Missy Malone absolutely perfect as ever…
And finally one of the performers who stoked the burlesque nerd in me in the first place… ANNA FUR LAXIS is back!!! I got to see prehistoric Anna, I’d never seen this act before!! And Tourbillon with the snap bra that nearly knocked me out all those years ago, she rocked it and showed why she is still one of the greatest performers in the world!!
We had an amazing night and went back to our lovely Air BNB happy. The nights takeaway wasn’t so impressive being a greasy mess but well… I guess you can’t have everything!!!!
Coming Soon:
The next couple of months hold quite a lot of awesome adventures for me and sadly theres quite a few clashes meaning I’ll also be missing a lot of awesome. So here’s a selection of what I may be seeing and you really should see if you can!!
Feb 8th – LADS First Loves London – I can’t make it but it is so high up on my bucket list
Feb 9th – Bill Bailey Larks in Transit Sheffield – been waiting sooooo long for this!!! I’ve seen Bill Bailey live 4 or 5 times now and have been left in pain from laughing every time.. Can’t wait!!!
Feb 10th – Garden of Eden – Cabaret of Dreams Blackpool- Neil Kendall and Raven Noir’s second joint production, such an amazing line up. I get to see Michelle L’Amour in the UK!!!! I’m also doing what may be one of my last ever art stalls, buy my stuffs!!!
Feb 17th – The Wet Spot Leeds – Anna Fur Laxis will be rocking the Wet Spot stage for the first time in at least 5 years!!! It’s sold out though, sorry!!! The entire line up is just crazily awesome
Feb 17th – La De Da Derby – If i wasn’t at the Wet Spot i’d be here, i could cry at missing Fancy Chance!!!